Zaki put it this way: “Optimism is telling our children: Don’t worry dear, it will be okay. First, we cannot guarantee it because we do not know what the future holds. Second, it leaves our children on the sidelines helplessly watching as they see things that may be difficult or harmful. By contrast, hope tells our children: “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but… You “It can make a difference.”
The relationship between curiosity, hope and data
According to the surveys cited by Zaki, the majority of parents believe that teaching their children that “the world is dangerous and competitive” will help them achieve more success. But this worldview can be detrimental to children’s academic success. Zaki refers to a research study that included more than two hundred thousand people in thirty countries. As for cynics, they scored lower on tasks that measure cognitive ability, problem solving, and mathematical skills. Despite this, he writes, “the stereotype of the simple, happy, bitter, misanthropic sage remains so stubborn that scholars have called it the ‘cynical genius illusion’.”
Why does sarcasm weaken cognitive acumen? Perhaps part of the answer can be found in curiousity. Curiosity prepares children’s brains for learning Curious children want to know WhyThis pushes them to move beyond simplistic or absolute concepts about the world. Children have a drive to explore and understand the world – but this also means they are able to internalize the concerns of the adults closest to them. “Children are sponges, and we often soak those sponges with the dirty water of our biases, but we don’t have to,” Zaki said. “We can let their curiosity guide them to more accurate, hopeful information instead.”
This means adults have work to do, Zaki said. Building hope often means “unlearning a lot of the bad information” we have received from culture and media and “tearing up social media.” Scary stories can feed our worst perceptions about people’s nature and make us overestimate risks. “Hope is not a matter of keeping our heads in the sand and burying them,” Zaki said. “Hope is a matter of paying close attention and focusing more intently on what the world has to offer. Hope is a response to data.”
Take “Stranger Danger” for example. According to a 2023 Pew Research poll, 28% of American parents say they are “very concerned” about their children being kidnapped, while another 31% say they are “somewhat concerned” about it. However, the actual risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is incredibly low. According to researchers from the University of California, Irvine: “The actual risk of a teenager or child being abducted by a stranger and killed or not returned is estimated at about 0.0007%, or one in 1.4 million per year — a risk so small that experts call it the threshold.” Lowest, which effectively means zero. They continue:
The idea that unsupervised children are in constant danger is relatively new. Just a generation ago, children had much more freedom to explore their surroundings. In the early 1970s, psychologist Roger Hart spent two years mapping the places children in a rural New England town were allowed to go on their own. He found that 4- and 5-year-olds were allowed to travel around their neighborhoods on their own, and 10-year-olds were allowed to roam the city freely. Forty years later, Hart returned to the same city and found that although the crime rate was exactly the same, most children were now prohibited from roaming in their backyards.
Zaki explains that the data clearly shows that “people who believe the world is dangerous do worse in terms of their mental health, their careers, and their happiness.” But because we pass on our fears to our children, they become less trusting of us and have less freedom than we do.
Zaki recommends modeling “fact-checking” our cynical beliefs. “When I find myself distrusting someone I’ve just met for the first time, I say, ‘Wait a minute, Zaki, what data do you have to support this mistrust?'” And often the answer is nothing. I don’t have data here. It’s just… My instincts, ours, skew negatively compared to the real evidence so I try to question my sarcastic instincts, and I try to encourage my kids to question their sarcasm as well, to be curious and skeptical rather than cynical.
Why do we underestimate human goodness?
Researchers have found that humans generally tend to underestimate human goodness. This is another area where data can be useful and hopeful, Zaki said. Take this study as an example: A group of researchers “dropped” nearly 17,000 wallets in 40 countries over the course of two years. Some wallets had no money in them, some had the equivalent of $13, and others had the equivalent of $100. All wallets contain the contact information of the “owner”. So how many people tried to reach the owner of the lost wallet? The researchers hypothesized that the more money in the wallet, the less money would be returned. A poll of 279 “top-performing academic economists” agreed. But it turns out that exactly the opposite is true. 46% of wallets were reported empty, compared to 61% of $13 wallets and 72% of $100 wallets. The more money is lost, the more people will try their best to return the money to the owner. People wanted to help strangers they had never met before.
Zaki was not surprised by this because his research found that “most people prefer compassion to selfishness.” This is important information: If our children believe that the majority of people simply do not care about pressing issues, it is easy for them to feel hopeless. Look at climate change,” Zaki said. “The average American believes that 40% or fewer of Americans want to pursue an aggressive climate protection policy, but the actual number is more than two-thirds. There are many ways that our children may be part of an overwhelming majority that they do not know they are part of. If you knew that most people They, just like you, want a more peaceful, equal and sustainable world, so fighting for that suddenly makes more sense.
After years of working with college students, Zaki believes that much of the anxiety in young people stems from “the perception that the world is suffering and I can’t do anything about it.” Thanks to the Internet, today’s teens are global citizens in a way that previous generations were not. Feelings of helplessness exacerbate distress.
Richard Weisbord, director of the Making Caring Shared project at Harvard University, notes that children and adults “feel sadder when we feel helpless and negative — and more relieved when we take action.” Adults can help their children turn empathy into activism, teaching them ways to “expand their interests,” connect with others, and make a difference in the community.
How to practice social taste
One practical strategy for promoting hope is to savor the good things or “notice the good things as they happen.” Noticing small moments of human goodness helps us correct the negativity bias that most of us experience. As Zaki explains: “Our brains are designed to pay a lot of attention to threats. This is a good thing because it keeps us safe, but it is also a bias that often makes us wrong about what the world is like and what people are like. So savoring beautiful things and positive experiences is generally a great exercise in terms of balancing our perspective.
Start by helping your kids practice “taste” in general — to appreciate the taste of their favorite food, to linger outside during a beautiful sunset, or to pause to notice how good they feel during a special outing. This will help them translate this taste into social situations – to notice the good in others. “I try to do this with my kids all the time,” Zaki said. “I share with them if I notice someone doing something really nice, and I ask them, ‘Tell me about the nice thing someone in your class did?’” These conversations can help change what we notice every day. Day after day, because if we want to share these moments with our children, we have to look for the good in the world. Over time, “social savoring becomes a habit of mind.”
The art of “humble attention”
When Zaki thinks about hopeful parenting, one phrase that comes to mind is “humble mindfulness.”
He found the phrase in the writings of the late Emile Bruno, a close friend and fellow psychology professor – someone he described as “an unofficial ambassador for humanity’s better angels.” Bruno had a difficult childhood, and amid the emotional pain and financial challenges, his father’s “humble concern” served as his anchor of hope.
“Emile felt fully supported by his father,” Zaki explains. “He knew that his father was there when he needed him, but his father was not a parent who micromanaged. He let Emil explore and run through the woods, even from a young age. They roamed together and were partners in life. His father allowed him to build his own world and become Someone of his own under his watchful eye, but not under his thumb.
Zaki said this approach reflects research conducted on healthy attachment styles. “The sign of a securely attached baby or toddler is that he or she feels like he or she can explore the world in the presence of his or her parents. What we risk when we focus too much on protecting our children is draining their curiosity. Modest attention can be a way to intentionally quiet our instincts to protect our children from all Potential harm.