Research related to praise
First, it is important to mention that there is nothing inherently wrong with praise. Praise has long been a tool encouraged by psychologists and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. Most psychologists and researchers consider praise an essential part of positive parenting. Research also suggests that praise in general has a positive effect on children, as praise has been linked to improved academic performance, increased likelihood of engaging in kind and helpful behavior and enhanced social competence. Parental praise is also associated with increased brain matter in an area of the brain associated with empathy, conscientiousness, and openness. We also have no evidence that praise in general reduces intrinsic motivation, and we do have evidence that praise may increase intrinsic motivation. However, research has found that how You praise your child for things, and some types of praise may be better than other types of praise. Fortunately, research gives us some guidance here.
How to praise your child
So how exactly should you praise your children? The research offers the following advice:
- Praise the process, not the person. Praise your child’s effort, strategy, and practicality, rather than for traits he can’t easily change (such as intelligence, physical fitness, or beauty). Research has found that “praising the process” (translation: praising effort, strategy, and process) enhances children’s intrinsic motivation and persistence in the face of challenge. “Praise the person” (translation: praising fixed traits associated with a person such as “You are so smart/kind/beautiful”) tends to make children focus more on their mistakes, give up more easily and blame themselves. Why is this happening? Imagine if your parents were always telling you how smart you were and then you couldn’t understand algebra. You may assume that your parents are wrong and that you are in fact not “smart” and decide that there is no point in trying because you are either “smart” or “unsmart” – it is a fixed trait that you cannot change. You may also feel less inclined to challenge yourself (because what if you fail and you are no longer considered “smart”) and may be more likely to cheat to prove that you are “smart.” The pressure to achieve feels overwhelming and beyond your control. However, if your parents praise you for how hard you are at math, you will likely work even harder if you don’t understand algebra, completely avoiding the intense stress and existential crisis of not being “smart.”
- Use supportive praise rather than controlling. Research suggests that you should avoid using praise that aims to control your child’s behavior because of this type of praise He does It seems to reduce intrinsic motivation. In other words, the goal of your praise should not be to try to pressure your child to do what you want him to do. For example, instead of saying, “You’re very good at science. You should be a doctor like me when you grow up,” it sounds like you really enjoy science and work hard to understand it. Be careful of any praise that uses the word “should” or it may make your child feel pressured.
- Avoid using praise that compares your child to other children. When you use praise to compare your child to other children, it seems to boost performance in the short term. but In the long run, this practice may lead your children to judge their performance only in relation to other people rather than achieving their own goals or enjoying them themselves. For example, instead of praising your child for being the best soccer player on his team, focus on his performance. You need to be especially careful about not comparing your child to his or her siblings with compliments (e.g., “You’re a better listener than your sibling”), as research has found that comparisons between siblings are linked to behavioral problems.
- Use specific praise instead of general praise. Research has found that praise with specific information helps children learn how to improve their behavior in the future. For example, “Good job putting your toys back in the trash when you’re done using them” helps children learn specific expectations. If you simply say “good job” after your child cleans up his toys, he may not know what you are referring to. However, it is also important to note that a recent study found that even general, vague praise (“yes” in this study) may not undermine persistence or cause children to view themselves more negatively. The only concern with this type of general praise is that it may not give children an idea of how to improve in the future.
- Use gestures as praise. Research also suggests that parents may want to use gestures (high fives, thumbs up) to encourage their children sometimes. Research has found that gestures can be very effective in improving children’s self-evaluation – their own judgment of how they are doing and how they feel about it.
- Combine praise and positive attention. Try using praise with positive attention or a positive nonverbal response (a hug, smile, pat, or other type of physical affection). Research has found that this may be most effective in improving children’s behavior.
- Be sincere with your praise. This last tip is perhaps the most important. Research suggests that when children feel that their parents either over- or under-praise their performance, they are more likely to develop depression and lower academic performance. Research has also found that excessive praise (e.g., “That’s the most beautiful drawing you’ve ever seen”) is associated with children developing self-esteem, avoiding challenges, and becoming overly dependent on praise.
Can you say “I’m so proud of you”?
There is no research specifically examining the effect of telling your children “I’m so proud of you” or even research comparing statements that focus on a child’s self-evaluation versus an adult’s (such as saying “You seem very happy with this work of art” versus “I think your work of art is Very nice”) so it’s difficult to make a specific recommendation about this phrase. However, based on the research we conducted, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with saying “I’m proud of you.” However, research suggests that you may want to make sure you is specific (“I’m proud of you for trying so hard to make the team”), that you don’t focus on fixed traits (“I’m proud of you” “You help others” vs. “I’m proud of you for being helpful”) and that you don’t control or pressure (“I’m so proud that you I finally got an A in math.”
What about “good work”?
Again, there is no research that specifically looks at the phrase “good job.” Based on our research, “good work” does not appear to be harmful but may not be specific enough. If your child doesn’t know what you’re referring to, he or she may misinterpret or take offense to your praise. In addition, the phrase “good job” is often used insincerely. I’m imagining a scenario where your child insists on watching you do hundreds of handstands in the pool and for each one you say “good job” without even looking up from your phone. It’s easy to see how this would diminish children’s experience of praise.
What happens if you don’t praise fully?
After reading all this research, you may feel overwhelmed by all these “rules of praise” or guilty about the times you didn’t follow these guidelines. But don’t worry – you don’t have to do it perfectly (and literally no parent ever did)! Just aim to follow these rules as closely as you can. Research has found that as long as most of the praise children hear (at least three out of four times) is research-backed praise, children show increased persistence and improved self-evaluation. This suggests that even if you forget these rules 1 out of 4 times, there is no need to worry. So when you make the mistake of calling your child “smart” or giving them “good work” you are being insincere (and trust me, we have… everyone Done, your baby will be fine.
Some examples of the type of praise you should use
I can see how hard you worked on that